"The more prone to getting lost one is, the more one tries to compensate."
-Anna Funder, Stasiland: Stories from Behind the Berlin Wall
It's already been a month in Germany, and it naturally seems like only yesterday when I first stepped off the plane in Hamburg. My feelings toward this country seem to constantly fluctuate, and my view of the world and its people are surely changing. While I am beginning to finally know my way around the ancient tangled streets, my ability to function and truly integrate into the German culture is in constant flux. As the fascination of being in another country comes to pass, the acceptance phase of otherness in the visited land begins. My "American-ness" comes out in the least obvious of places. While ordering a coffee and asking for directions have become second nature, washing my clothes, reading the newspaper, and even the pattern of eating have not yet become easy. I find myself thinking about summer evenings in Bloomington, listening to folk and Americana, and yes...even the Superbowl. While I was told that this stage of American sentimentality and nostalgia would come, and I knew that I became more patriotic from my European trip in 2006, it still came as a surprise. After being so eager to delve right into a new world, how could I possibly be thinking about home? Mind you, this is not homesickness. You could not easily get me to leave this place--but the reality of life has begun to make itself apparent. Maybe it's growing up or maybe it's me gaining more focus, I don't know. My world, in ways, is becoming smaller but more diverse than it ever has been--after becoming closer to many Americans on this trip as well. It will be sad to go home to the same country, yet be further separated than when abroad. I am having conversations about home with people out on the street. I am seeing the elderly walk and take the bus. I am seeing people helping strangers in wheelchairs go down the street. I see a community of folks, and as much as I'd like to be I am not one of those folks. I am a guest of this country and will always be an American deep down. And this is coming from a person hell-bent on claiming Canadian citizenship. It is hard for me to explain this feeling--like an idealized image of what I imagine the United States as, and an observation of European culture (as well as the revolutionary fervor of the Middle East through the news) as I exist in limbo somewhere outside of all of it. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It feels like I might be entering a cocooning phase or something. My purpose for being here is not a clear as I once thought it was. Sure I'm learning the German language and seeing all sorts of places...but the best things about Germany I want to keep with me while at the same time retain something American. I want the folky community of Bloomington, the Great Lakes, a big forest to walk in. Coops and organic crops do not abound here like in the USA. But when I go home I want the energy of a people with a common goal, a comradery larger than the next clique based on which side of town a person lives on. Sure in America we have a spirit for change, but it so often exists in words, not practice--especially in my age group. Apathy is a killer and it's killing our society. It's like Germans possess the revolutionary spirit, and it reminds me of what the USA should be. We need to get stuff done! Garden districts, a great train system, and a safe environment in the inner city would be nice! In any case, my utopia is (not) impossible to achieve, yet I am closer to it than I have ever been.
An example of this glimpse of utopia lies outside the fancy architecture, beautiful women, and amazing candy. It manifested itself during the past weekend in Hamburg. My first trip there involved a walking tour of the city, a ride on a boat in the harbor, and a walk through a museum. My view or a dirty, cold, and trivial city with only Vegas-style fun was transformed through the people I met. I visited some friends of a friend of a friend who live in Hamburg who were truly interesting. While these people do not represent the larger German population or even humanity in general, the progressive conversations we had were exactly what I was looking for. The trip involved walking the entire city, good and bad. We entered a very progressive district where street art abounded, people were lively, and a spirit of youth and acceptance was present. We also entered the red light district where prostitutes came up insisting upon the quality of their services. It was quite an eye-opener. In Germany, though, these women are taxpaying citizens and are thus respected in the society rather than revoked of their rights as human beings. What made the experience special was to see many different sides of life in one place. And while our friends had great hopes for their country, and strong opinions about ours, we did not always agree. But this forum was exactly what the coming together of two cultures inspired and needed. To at least understand each other and to respect each other for our differences. It also served as a way to re-examine our own values. And the hospitality I was shown was truly wonderful.
So as a person who often gets lost in thought, in direction, or literally in trying to get home; I realize that compensation only brings me further from the place I am looking for. You can't fight the things you don't like when you are visiting, but you can take the spirit of the good wherever you go. Sometimes when one least expects it, the place sought is often in eye's view. Trust the flow. You will go where you need to. Or maybe it will find you. The unknown is, after all, what makes things exciting.
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